When was the last time your children, your spouse, or your employee said to you–

“YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!”

You were actually trying to hear them, but for some reason, they felt unheard and misunderstood. 

You leave the conversation frustrated and confused. And so do they.

Why?

It’s because it’s not what you hear, but what you listen to, that makes the difference. 

Let’s start by acknowledging that there is a difference between Hearing and Listening.  

Oftentimes we Hear and do not Listen because we are:

• Distracted
• Deterred & Deferred
• Settling for Just Enough 
• Stuck
• Retreating 

We need to truly understand the unique nuances of hearing -vs- listening. 

The average person “hears” between 20-30K words over a 24-hour period. The average rate of speech is 125 words per minute, while the brain can process about 800 words per minute. That means we speak fast, but we think even faster.  WOW…that’s a lot of hearing!  

Hearing is:

• Perceiving sounds
• Knowing you are being communicated with

Listening, however, much like muscles in your body, needs to be developed. 

 Listening is:

• Absorbing and understanding the information you have been given
• Internalizing the information, thus creating a gateway to your heart, mind & soul

Listening instead of hearing ultimately leads to your success or failure in communication.

Why is this important when it comes to self-perception?

Here’s an example that most women can relate to. 

Think about a time when someone spoke negatively about you.  Were you quickly able to pull up a memory of a parent, friend/frenemy, teacher, boyfriend, husband, coach, or boss saying something that confirmed the negative comment?  

Why was that so easy? 

Unfortunately as women, (even extremely successful ones like yourselves) our minds have been trained over time to magnify the negative and minimize the positive.  

How can we change that?

We have to STOP listening to things that we should only be hearing.  This error in differentiation is why 1 critical comment can negate 100 positive ones! 

How can we improve? 

Develop a strainer method.

We do this by re-tuning our hearing to become listening by asking ourselves: 

• Is it true?  
• If so, is it relevant?  
• And, is there something I can do about it?  

If it’s out of my control we must release it and shift our focus back onto what is within our control.  Remember, we are training our listening muscle to not only listen to but speak words that we want others to not only hear, but listen to.  This will take intentionality and discipline. 

Let’s take this a step further.  Now that we’ve acknowledged, by our own experiences, the power our words carry, we have to be cautious not to weaponize them on ourselves or others.

How do you: 

• Choose to use your words to build people up instead of tear them down?
• Plant seeds of hope, not seeds of doubt?
• Be the change you want to see?

When you “choose” to listen, it enables you to be more intentional.  You can be more engaged.  You can be more impactful.  You can make necessary changes more efficiently.  Our listening directly affects our speaking.  Our listening directly affects our actions.  So the next time we have the opportunity to listen, keep these in mind.  

1:  Keep the main thing the main thing

 Your life is too short and your purpose too great to let someone else’s words reign over you.  

2:  Realize AND accept that:

• Yesterday is gone, you can't change it
• Tomorrow hasn’t happened yet
• Today is the “present”
• Today is a gift, accept it
• Today is an opportunity to listen & speak anew

3:  Embrace the journey 

You’ve spent years, perhaps decades “hearing”.  Give yourself permission to grow as you learn to “listen”.  You may not be where you want to be yet, and you will still make some mistakes along the way, BUT you are better than where you started.  Celebrate that progress and keep going!

Personal Action:

It’s time to start training, developing & flexing that “listening” muscle.  Your purpose is at the mercy of your focus so let’s hone that focus on listening instead of hearing.  

Start by asking yourself these questions. Write them down.  Uproot what you find that’s negative and plant more of what is positive.   

1. What are some thoughts that have started to bubble up as you read this?  
2. What are you listening to that needs to be banished from your life?  

Draw a line in the sand that YOU GET THE CHOICE OF WHO AND WHAT YOU LISTEN TO.